Corporate language humor

What is the real meaning behind the corporate phrases?

  • “COMPETITIVE SALARY”
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
  • “JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
    We have no time to train you.
  • “CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
    We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
  • “MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
    You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
  • “SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.
  • “DUTIES WILL VARY”
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.
  • “MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
    We have no quality control.
  • “CAREER-MINDED”
    Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
  • “APPLY IN PERSON”
    If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
  • “NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
    We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
  • “SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
    You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
  • “PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
    You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
  • “REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
    You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
  • “GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.